Anyway, to be perfectly honest, this is not how I thought my Christmas would be this year. Last Christmas, I already had a few negative pregnancy test and was so sad because I really hoped to be able to tell my parents and in laws for Christmas....even if I were very early...But I pushed on and knew it was common to not get pregnant right away. I guess I just thought by Christmas there would be a child in this house. I never in a million years thought otherwise. I cant explain the feeling of month after month of not conceiving. The first 6 months hurt, but the pain of hitting a year and still nothing is something I hope not many have to go through. I cant even imagine those to go years and years trying. It can take over your life, your relationship and yourself. To be perfectly honest, it became a chore, something that it had never been before. Then I gave up. I gave up hope, stopped trying, and became very down. Then the news of my tumors came and talk about a shock. I never ever thought I would ever have a tumor in my body, let alone 3 in my throat and one in my head. I will say, as sad and scared I was/am, (but mostly was) I was so relieved to hold on to hope that the reason my body was rejecting a baby is because it had 3 dumb things sitting on my thyroid. I guess after I heal from my next go around with it, I will see what 2013 will bring, hopefully bring a friend to some of my sweet friend's children. ;)
I guess what I have learn this past year and a half is:
1. I need to stop planning my future.
2. When you start planning your future and try and "take matters in your own hands" and not His, He will throw you a curve ball!! and finally
3. He is always 10 steps ahead of us. He knows before we do and is so merciful to His children. So merciful.
So in 2013, I will relax, not worry about "trying" at all, I will enjoy the love of my life and know that His timing is perfect, because He knows better than me. Who am I to plan my life?
I get it Lord, lesson learned.
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