Days 3-5

I had to skip this Saturday since I had to be at the church at 8:30 for rehearsal, I was already up super early, so I knew I'd dose off, so I just skipped. 

I also decided to clump some of the days together so it didn't say Day 4...nothing Day 5... Nothing ... You get the picture! I'm still struggling with knowing if it is me thinking something or the Lord speaking to me. I ended up emailing the author of the book we're reading and got a response from his "team" .... Que Price is right loser horn.... 

http://youtu.be/1ytCEuuW2_A

No thank you, I do NOT want to read another book. I may grab the download, but not right away... So I'm winging this!!

 I guess I ***maybe*** felt the Lord tell me Friday to talk to Chad about something I'll say only vaguely on this public blog, but will be glad to share with my lifegroup   . But again, I'm not sure if was me just thinking or the Lord telling me something. 

So that is the past few days. 

Day 2

Well, as I thought, not much different than day one...except my mind was going way more than usual. I have to figure out how to clear my mind, like almost meditate. My mind can go from 0-100 really fast. I go from wondering if I'll know if it's the Lord speaking to me to looking at the dog and wondering how much longer she'll be with us then back to trying to clear my mind. Maybe I'm too focused on my mind being clear.... So there is day two.... Even less interesting than day one!  

The Listening Challenge: Day 1

So last night in my Lifegroup, I was challenged to wake up early, read out of my Bible for 15 minutes, sit quietly, wait to hear the Lord speak to me, then in turn, blog about the "journey", so to speak. We are reading a book where the author is showing us what it is to become fully alive in Christ and one of the benefits of becoming fully alive is knowing when and hearing Him speak to you. So that is what I'll be doing. I'll read His Word and listen. I have a feeling the first of many posts will be boring, but hopefully after a while, hopefully, the Lord and I will become in tune with each other the way He has always intended. 

 

I'm not much of a blogger, I love reading other's blogs, but feel like I can't get my thoughts across as eloquently as others do... But nonetheless, here is my attempt at blogging my process.

**Disclaimer** Be patient (talking to myself mostly) because I don't feel like I'm as deep of a thinker as most of the people I'm surrounded by. I tend to think on a surface level, so I throughly enjoy listening to other's perspective on different topics and readings, I learn so much from them. I love seeing how their brains work. So my blog won't probably be extremely insightful, just an account of the process. 

I've decided to start with Romans. I'm slowly and intently reading, so I didn't blow through chapters at a normal pace. I'm hoping if I slow down, I can really allow the Lord to speak to me, since this is the whole purpose of the challenge. By taking it slowly, I got through chapter 1 and a bit through 2. I read it in a few versions just to get a more rounded perspective. Then I sat in silence. I noticed I was starting to dose off, probably because I stayed up super late last night, so I made a cup of coffee. I felt myself starting to think about things I am planning on doing today, so I had to keep resetting myself to just listen. I also found myself praying for others and the day ahead, I also had to stop that and just listen. Not saying that I shouldn't pray, but this is not what I'm setting out here to do. So I designated a time after I sat in silence to pray. 

So as I figured, day 1, nothing. And not that the Lord didn't speak to me, but I have not figured out how to listen yet. I'm still struggling with knowing when it's Him speaking or me just thinking. But nevertheless, I enjoyed my morning, waking up in the Word, being quiet and starting my day focused on Him. 

The Desire of My Heart

So I last posted on November 17, 2012 saying that I completely am handing over tying to have a baby to God and letting His will take over. I had been saying that over and over, but I on November 17, 2012, my heart was in the right place finally. And you know what? I got pregnant that next week! It's so crazy to see how if you really surrender, God will give you the desires of your heart. And man, she was so worth waiting for!!! I couldn't imagine a better fit for our family. She has brought us nothing but pure joy this past year! I cant believe that she will be one in just a week or so! Talk about a year flying by! I have loved every second of being with her too! Even the 2am wake up calls. I seriously never minded them... and if I did, I thought of the many friends and family who have lost their babies and know they would give ANYTHING for a 2 am feeding and that snapped me back to reality.

So I guess my first post back in a year and a half is a testament as to how good the Lord is and how He knows exactly the right time for everything. Struggling with fertility is one of the hardest things ever. It takes a toll on you and you relationship emotionally. So if you're struggling, give it to God, with a cheerful heart, let Him have control and you never know where you'll end up!

 

But really, is that not the most gorgeous baby God ever made?!

 

Ok, I'll stop being "that kind of parent"! ;)

My Christmas Story....err Lesson

Well, I went ahead and decorated early for Christmas! I just cant help myself. I love Christmas so much and to only have it up for a month seems so sad to me!
Anyway, to be perfectly honest, this is not how I thought my Christmas would be this year. Last Christmas, I already had a few negative pregnancy test and was so sad because I really hoped to be able to tell my parents and in laws for Christmas....even if I were very early...But I pushed on and knew it was common to not get pregnant right away. I guess I just thought by Christmas there would be a child in this house. I never in a million years thought otherwise. I cant explain the feeling of month after month of not conceiving. The first 6 months hurt, but the pain of hitting a year and still nothing is something I hope not many have to go through. I cant even imagine those to go years and years trying. It can take over your life, your relationship and yourself. To be perfectly honest, it became a chore, something that it had never been before. Then I gave up. I gave up hope, stopped trying, and became very down. Then the news of my tumors came and talk about a shock. I never ever thought I would ever have a tumor in my body, let alone 3 in my throat and one in my head. I will say, as sad and scared I was/am, (but mostly was) I was so relieved to hold on to hope that the reason my body was rejecting a baby is because it had 3 dumb things sitting on my thyroid. I guess after I heal from my next go around with it, I will see what 2013 will bring, hopefully bring a friend to some of my sweet friend's children. ;)

I guess what I have learn this past year and a half is:

 1. I need to stop planning my future.

 2. When you start planning your future and try and "take matters in your own hands" and not His, He will throw you a curve ball!! and finally

3. He is always 10 steps ahead of us. He knows before we do and is so merciful to His children. So merciful.

So in 2013, I will relax, not worry about "trying" at all, I will enjoy the love of my life and know that His timing is perfect, because He knows better than me. Who am I to plan my life?

I get it Lord, lesson learned.

Fa la la la la...la la laaa bleh...

I have a really bad habit of starting a blog, letting it sit for a couple of days, then deleting it. This one I will finish... and publish. Now what have I been up to....not much lately.

I had a little procedure. I'll spare the details and gross incision pictures, things like that. All I am going to say is, I am not sure if I'll ever sing like I use to again. Which scares me a little. Not that I sing in front of people, but I love to sing here by myself and its nice to be able to carry a tune. I'm sure itll work itself out, but for now, it sounds pretty bad! Ha!

Its everything I can do not to put my Christmas stuff out, last year it was coming out by now, but I think thats because we had just moved in and it was the first time I got to have a tall tree! This year I am holding back until Thanksgiving day. I'm sure I'll feel good enough bring up the tree and get this house together. I have company coming in the first of December, so its gotta be looking Christmas-y around here! It will be fun to take them around Nashville and do some fun Christmas activities! Since I married Scrooge, I usually do those things with a Grinch by my side! I will take any suggestions on must-see's in Nashville. I think I am kind of dumb to things people want to do when they visit.

I am slowly going crazy 1,2,3,4,5,6 switch!

I..am...going...crazy....

Cabin fever has kicked in. I think I have been out of the house for about a total of 15 hours this past week! And 13 of them was Friday night, Saturday night and Sunday afternoon. I'm about to go crazy in here! I have always thought staying home and not working would be the dream, but one can lose their minds very quickly! Not that I feel like doing much as is. I become tired fast and that takes the fun out of being out and about!

Now onto more important things. Why am I just now watching Downton Abby. My mother has been trying to get me to watch it for years and I just couldnt add another show. But now that Weeds is done and I'm home all FREEAAAKINGGG day, my show schedule has a few openings! I'm open to any show suggestions. Daytime TV is for the birds. I love Ellen, but thats only 1 hour out of many to fill. Unfortunately, read is out of the question right now. Focusing isnt easy on my eyes or head.

I suppose I could take Laila for more walks. Probably would be nice for both of us. Oh, but I hope my neighbors wont bother me. There is nothing that gets on my nerves more than neighbors. I dont mind the waving or the occasional, "Hello!", but this whole, lets know more about each other because we live by each other is bothersome! ....Ok, this took an unexpected Ebenezer Scrooge turn. Anyway, I will buck up and walk past the neighbors to get out of this house this week!!! I will. Maybe. Probably not. I really dont want to chat. So no.